Whalesong

Your words like whalesong float through my ears, soothing me. They swirl around my head, now emptied of all thoughts other than those of you. I remember the day everything changed. The day you started meaning more to me than anything else. Maybe I could be accused of neglecting all of the things that are supposed to be important. Maybe the accusations would be true. But for now, at least, I am absorbed in you, completely taken over by your words, your smell, the feel of your skin, and you alone. I could stay like this forever.

 

Cinematography

I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming, because in all honesty I was expecting it, just not when it happened. I have come to realise that no matter how much you try to block it all out, it doesn’t make it feel any better. If anything, it’s worse. I’m not entirely sure how I am going to cope today. One seat will be empty. I will be empty. I can’t do this.

 

Mini update

Already six days into November and no posts so far, even though I had internally promised myself that I would start blogging more. I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. It’s probably a combination of being back at school after half term and knowing I need to actually do things now, ear pain, and the fact that my mind is a big mass of confusedness at the moment.

As far as school is concerned, it started back on Monday and so far this is the second day I have been absent, although I have promised my mother that I will not be off school again for a long time. The absence is due to the aforementioned ear pain. I have done basically no homework during the past few days, despite knowing that I have important work that really need to get done. Furthermore, I left my Philosophy and Ethics folder in a classroom somewhere on Monday, and I have not yet made any sort of effort to go and find it, which is incredibly stupid of me, as I shall need it for coursework improving purposes.

I don’t think there is any point in talking about my ear pain for any great length of time, as it isn’t a particularly interesting topic, but basically, it has been hurting since Friday, and I got about two hours sleep on Monday night because of it. I saw a doctor on Tuesday and am going back today so hopefully the problem will get sorted out. I’m sort of tired of only being able to hear things in my left ear.

I am not sure where to get started on my mind to be perfectly honest. I’m not sure what to think anymore, and I am pretty sure that I am slowly becoming emotionless, whereas I have always been a very emotional person. Maybe this is my body’s way of coping with everything that is going on at the moment. There is, first of all, a financial aspect to this, in that my dad has had his hours shortened at work (he will no longer be working at all on Friday), and this has led to my parents stressing and acting like we are completely poor. I don’t mind asking for fewer things, but it is quite annoying when they are acting like we can barely afford to live, when my dad has actually only lost half a day worth of working hours. School is another worry, but I think I can skip talking about it, as I have mentioned it already. I have no idea what I can say about the other thing that has been bothering me. I’m not sure if I am panicking unnecessarily, or whether I have an actual reason to be worried. All I will say is that at the moment, it feels as though everything is falling apart at such a rapid rate that soon I will have nothing left to cling onto. I am not sure if I am in control or not, and I hate it. Hopefully I will be able to do something in the near future to improve the situation, but for now I guess all I can do is get on with things and try not to think too much.

In other, more positive news, I bought a poster of Brian Molko from Placebo from eBay the other day. It is in the post now, I just need to wait for it to arrive. I am currently trying to decide how I am going to rearrange my other posters in order to incorporate this one. There are only two posters in my room at the moment, but they are on the same wall, and I will probably have to put on of them on the other side of the room in order to make space. Oh, the post came a few minutes ago. I think my poster actually arrived, but instead of ringing the doorbell to check if anyone was in to take it, the postman decided that it would be a good idea to just put one of those ‘Sorry, you were out’ things through with the rest of the post. Where is the logic in that? I now have to wait until tomorrow to fetch it. I temporarily dislike Royal Mail.

Hopefully this weekend should be quite nice. On Friday night I am going to see Guillemots at the Custard Factory in Birmingham, and I am taking Ally with me. I didn’t realise when I ordered the tickets, but they are actually playing there as part of Gigbeth, as well as it being the first show of their Fishbone for a Drink tour. Unfortunately, this means that we are going to have to get into town early in order to fetch wristbands, and make sure that we are not late, because once the venue reaches full capacity, people will start being turned away. Why is nothing ever simple? I am supposed to be seeing a friend on Saturday, but that may not happen now as he has flu. Hopefully he will get better, but if he doesn’t it is not the end of the world. Sunday should be pretty good. I am going out for lunch with my family, consisting of two aunts, two uncles, my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and me, obviously. Food is always nice.

I am actually quite excited by the fact that you can now put polls in blog entries. I like polls. I would quite like to make one but 1. I have no idea what it would be about and 2. I am pretty sure nobody would actually bother voting. Nevertheless, I shall continue to think and hopefully I will come up with something.

That’s pretty much all of the news I have at the moment, so I shall stop typing now. No doubt I’ll think of something else to say within the next couple of days, and come back and post something else.

***Update***
I discovered that the ‘Sorry, you were out’ card was actually written yesterday, but the postman didn’t put it through the letterbox until today. Odd stuff. But anyway, I now have my poster, and it is next to my bed, so I get to wake up to Brian every day. Joy!

 

Anchor

This whole thing is a big mess.

 

Current dislike #3

Feeling like I’m wasting my time. Nothing seems worth it anymore.

 

Matchboxes

Her scent lingered in the air. He inhaled deeply. He could almost still feel her hand on his, although by now she was long gone. Still, he could not quite bring himself to move, in case it somehow destroyed the reality of their meeting. Forget it. She doesn’t care. You know she doesn’t. Indeed, that would appear to be the case. There had been nothing behind her eyes that day. No glimmer, no hint of feelings of love or passion. No suggestion of her even wanting to see him again. But there was something in her touch, something in the way she smiled when she said goodbye, that suggested maybe he did have a chance.

 

Squirrel

You see, every now and then you reach a point where you think that maybe things are going to get better soon, and everything won’t seem so pointless. Then you realise how ridiculous that thought was, and that nothing is ever going to change.

 

*Sigh*

Ugh, I feel so hideous and fat today. And generally rubbish, actually.

Stupid people/ life/ everything!

 

Spiral

Why does everything just keep getting worse?

 

Scissors

If you were paper I could cut you to pieces, but you are rock and you make me feel numb.