Have your cake, and eat it, and eat someone else’s

I have got so fat it is ridiculous.

 

Mini update

Already six days into November and no posts so far, even though I had internally promised myself that I would start blogging more. I just have no motivation to do anything at the moment. It’s probably a combination of being back at school after half term and knowing I need to actually do things now, ear pain, and the fact that my mind is a big mass of confusedness at the moment.

As far as school is concerned, it started back on Monday and so far this is the second day I have been absent, although I have promised my mother that I will not be off school again for a long time. The absence is due to the aforementioned ear pain. I have done basically no homework during the past few days, despite knowing that I have important work that really need to get done. Furthermore, I left my Philosophy and Ethics folder in a classroom somewhere on Monday, and I have not yet made any sort of effort to go and find it, which is incredibly stupid of me, as I shall need it for coursework improving purposes.

I don’t think there is any point in talking about my ear pain for any great length of time, as it isn’t a particularly interesting topic, but basically, it has been hurting since Friday, and I got about two hours sleep on Monday night because of it. I saw a doctor on Tuesday and am going back today so hopefully the problem will get sorted out. I’m sort of tired of only being able to hear things in my left ear.

I am not sure where to get started on my mind to be perfectly honest. I’m not sure what to think anymore, and I am pretty sure that I am slowly becoming emotionless, whereas I have always been a very emotional person. Maybe this is my body’s way of coping with everything that is going on at the moment. There is, first of all, a financial aspect to this, in that my dad has had his hours shortened at work (he will no longer be working at all on Friday), and this has led to my parents stressing and acting like we are completely poor. I don’t mind asking for fewer things, but it is quite annoying when they are acting like we can barely afford to live, when my dad has actually only lost half a day worth of working hours. School is another worry, but I think I can skip talking about it, as I have mentioned it already. I have no idea what I can say about the other thing that has been bothering me. I’m not sure if I am panicking unnecessarily, or whether I have an actual reason to be worried. All I will say is that at the moment, it feels as though everything is falling apart at such a rapid rate that soon I will have nothing left to cling onto. I am not sure if I am in control or not, and I hate it. Hopefully I will be able to do something in the near future to improve the situation, but for now I guess all I can do is get on with things and try not to think too much.

In other, more positive news, I bought a poster of Brian Molko from Placebo from eBay the other day. It is in the post now, I just need to wait for it to arrive. I am currently trying to decide how I am going to rearrange my other posters in order to incorporate this one. There are only two posters in my room at the moment, but they are on the same wall, and I will probably have to put on of them on the other side of the room in order to make space. Oh, the post came a few minutes ago. I think my poster actually arrived, but instead of ringing the doorbell to check if anyone was in to take it, the postman decided that it would be a good idea to just put one of those ‘Sorry, you were out’ things through with the rest of the post. Where is the logic in that? I now have to wait until tomorrow to fetch it. I temporarily dislike Royal Mail.

Hopefully this weekend should be quite nice. On Friday night I am going to see Guillemots at the Custard Factory in Birmingham, and I am taking Ally with me. I didn’t realise when I ordered the tickets, but they are actually playing there as part of Gigbeth, as well as it being the first show of their Fishbone for a Drink tour. Unfortunately, this means that we are going to have to get into town early in order to fetch wristbands, and make sure that we are not late, because once the venue reaches full capacity, people will start being turned away. Why is nothing ever simple? I am supposed to be seeing a friend on Saturday, but that may not happen now as he has flu. Hopefully he will get better, but if he doesn’t it is not the end of the world. Sunday should be pretty good. I am going out for lunch with my family, consisting of two aunts, two uncles, my parents, my brother and his girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend, my boyfriend, and me, obviously. Food is always nice.

I am actually quite excited by the fact that you can now put polls in blog entries. I like polls. I would quite like to make one but 1. I have no idea what it would be about and 2. I am pretty sure nobody would actually bother voting. Nevertheless, I shall continue to think and hopefully I will come up with something.

That’s pretty much all of the news I have at the moment, so I shall stop typing now. No doubt I’ll think of something else to say within the next couple of days, and come back and post something else.

***Update***
I discovered that the ‘Sorry, you were out’ card was actually written yesterday, but the postman didn’t put it through the letterbox until today. Odd stuff. But anyway, I now have my poster, and it is next to my bed, so I get to wake up to Brian every day. Joy!

 

Current dislike #4

Feeling ill. There is no point to illness whatsoever, so why does it even exist?

 

No pain no… loss?

Today I decided to use my Veet in-shower hair removal cream again. However, when I went to remove it, I started bleeding! It made me bleed! You are supposed to wait 72 hours in between uses, and technically I could have used it on saturday, so it’s not like I used it too often or anything. I guess it might just be that I cut myself with the sponge, because it is quite rough, but it went all rashy too. How odd. Never mind.

 

Releases and remedies

By the time she caught her breath again, all of the pain had subsided, every last angry thought had melted away, and she was left to sit in blissful silence for a short while, until the effect wore off and it all seemed like a waste. However, for that brief moment where her troubles seemed to have disappeared, she felt alive again for the first time since longer ago than she could remember. She did not realise at the time, but this was a feeling that she would revisit again and again, each time the effect weakening slightly, but each time she would tell herself that it was worth it, just for the few seconds in which she could feel as though things would be okay.

 

Second chances

I know some people may read this and think that I just want attention or sympathy, but I can assure you that that is most definitely not the case. I figured that if I can share this, then maybe some people will start to rethink things a little bit. I’m not trying to preach, I just want to explain some stuff.

It’s been a few years now since I last got help for my problems. I don’t know whether I was actually depressed or anything, but I felt miserable a lot of the time, and reached a really low point when I was about thirteen I think where I basically just wanted to die. I confided in a couple of friends and told them how I was feeling, and they encouraged me to go to the school nurse. The result of this was that I got referred to someone at the hospital, who in turn referred me to a psychologist. I think the only positive thing I can say about going to see the psychologist is that I got to miss Geography once a fortnight. He asked me pointless questions and did not really seem to want to search for the cause of my unhappiness. Instead, he chose to blame my parents for the way I felt, because they have different methods of discipline. It was ridiculous, he even went so far as to tell my parents that he wanted to stop seeing me and start seeing just them. Needless to say, we stopped bothering soon after that. Since then, I had been a lot less unhappy. Sure, I had my ups and downs, like everyone does, but nothing major.

However, recently I started feeling really down again, I guess it’s probably just school and family and everything piling up. I told my mum that I wanted to start seeing someone about my problems, and she said that she could try and sort something out. In the morning of the Friday just gone, I felt particularly terrible, and made the decision to take a load of painkillers. It was something I’d been considering for a long time but had never actually gone through with. I went to school as normal, and told a few of my friends, who were pretty supportive.

When I got home from school in the afternoon, I told my mum and she said I should go to the hospital, to make sure that I had not done any damage to myself or anything. I agreed, and just assumed I would only be there for a few hours. I had to have a blood test, and it came back fine, which was pretty lucky. However, the people at the hospital said that I would have to stay in until Monday to speak to someone who wasn’t there at the weekend.

Monday came, and I spoke to a man in the afternoon, I think he was some sort of psychologist or psychiatrist or something, and he asked me if I wanted to talk to anyone about stuff, so I said yes, and I am being referred to someone that I can talk to about my problems, which is absolutely brilliant.

Anyway, the point I have been trying to get to, very long-windedly is that in hindsight, I really should not have been so stupid. What I can say though, is that it has really helped me to realise exactly how much people care, and that just because things get tough, it’s no reason to give up completely. Hopefully things are on the up.

 

More of what I want, and less of what I need

Adding three to my collection today. I’ll get there eventually.
Buying hand cream. Ran out this morning. Can’t get any more out at all.
Should probably eat something more substantial, but can’t be bothered to sort anything out.
Getting latte cravings. Maybe later.
Had too much sleep. Made me tired.
Content.