Price tags

No matter how hard I try, I know I’ll never be worth that much.

 

*Sigh*

Ugh, I feel so hideous and fat today. And generally rubbish, actually.

Stupid people/ life/ everything!

 

Consistency

I often wonder what the point of it is. You know, the whole life thing. I can’t really see myself achieving anything particularly significant, or ending up anything like the person I would like to be, ideally. I’m tired of feeling worthless all the time. I’m tired of being made to feel that way by others, and I am especially tired of making myself feel that way. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing I can do to make things better. I hate feeling that way, but it’s just something that happens. I mean, nobody wants to be miserable, right? I just wish that I knew exactly what was wrong, so that I could make things better. I want the future to be a happy one, not one in which I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I think that sometimes people don’t realise how they are making you feel, but it would be so much better if people just thought a bit more before they say or do anything. I know that I should. I think I probably often make people feel rubbish because I am so self-centred. maybe that is half of the problem. I know that it can come across as though I love myself and think I am better than everyone else, but the truth is, I can’t stand myself. I find it near impossible to think of one single decent thing about myself. I just wish I knew why. I know I keep posting stuff like this, but until I feel better, it’s probably the best release I have, which is a shame really.

 

Lucky 27

Before you read on, please note that yesterday was the 27th of October. I only realised that this morning. I think it rather adds to the whole coincidence element of this (entirely true) tale. On with the whole purpose of this entry. Yesterday, I ventured out to a social line dancing party (yes, I line dance, and whatever you imagine it is like, I bet that you are completely wrong). The purpose of it was to find out how well I did in the bronze medal test that I took in Septemeber. (It was just a pass, but that is not an important part of the story.) Anyway, at some point during the night, we were told that we could take part in a game of Irish bingo. For those of you that do not know, Irish bingo is similar to normal bingo in that you have a card with numbers on it, but instead of having to get all of your numbers read out, you have to hope that none of your numbers get called out, because if that happens, you are out and have to sit down. My mother bought three tickety-card type things, on for herself, one for my sister, and one for me. At first I decided that I wanted the middle one, but then I changed my mind and asked for the top one. When she gave me the tickety-card thing, I noticed that three of the numbers were 7, my favourite number and the number of children that I would like ideally, 18, the age of some of my lovely, lovely friends, and 27, Mark Greaney’s age. This made me happy, because I like coincidences and I thought it was a rather lovely coincidence that we were playing Irish bingo, and his age was one of my numbers (Mark Greaney is Irish, nice coincidence, except maybe not that nice considering that the BBC website link up there says that it might be called ‘Irish bingo’ disrespectfully, but let’s not think about that). There were also some quite nice number combinations on it, such as 84, 85 and 86, and I think 33 and 44. The numbers started to be called out, and more and more people sat down. Eventually, there were just two of us left standing. Another number was called out… and… the man sat down! I had won! So I am now thirty-five pounds richer, which is quite pleasing. I think I deserved it because most of the people in that room probably earn money through work. It’s nice when things go right for us lazy ones. So, the point of me blogging this is not to show off that I won something, but to share my love of coincidences, and for people to get excited about the links between things, so that I do not feel so silly.

In other news, yesterday, my sister’s boyfriend Chris came round and informed me than an incomplete overworld map for The Legend of Zelda (original NES game) exists. After we did a rather long-winded google search, we finally found a scan of one with the blanks to fill in. After all, it would be less fun to have a complete one and not have to find out what things are for yourself. So now I can play LoZ on Gamecube and actually find my way around.

 In other other news, I bought a Legend of Zelda keyring today.

 

Longing for Autumn

My GCSE results turned out to be a lot better than I expected, so really I should be extremely happy, but I have realised that I am not happy. I am not happy at all. I’m not sure how I can make things better, but I hope stuff sorts out soon. I have no idea who my real friends are anymore. I find it difficult to trust anyone. I used to be a really trusting person, but I guess I must have been let down too many times. Maybe I deserve it.

 

OHMYGOSHADECENTBLOGENTRY

I have always found that there is something incredibly comforting about rain, especially when it is accompanied by thunder and lightning. I’m not sure where the logic in that is, but it is just the way I feel. However, the rain at the moment is rather pathetic; if it is going to rain, it may as well be proper heavy showers. I do hope there is a storm soon, and if not, I wish it would become hot and sunny again.

Anyway, moving on swiftly from the weather, which, although it seems like a very British thing to talk about, and I do like British things, I feel as though I should probably talk about something else. I am becoming more and more fond of trees as time goes on, but I do think many trees look best with fewer leaves. Maybe that is why I like Autumn so much; trees losing their leaves combined with possible storms. Bliss!

Gosh, this is the first time I have written what I consider to be a proper blog entry in a very long time. I suppose I haven’t been in much of a writing mood. Maybe I have to be in an unsure mood to be able to write. You see, right now, I am feeling both overjoyed and miserable. How? I just do not know. But it’s true. My mind works in odd ways, but I am sure I am not the only one.

Life is being a very strange thing at the moment. I can’t tell if it is good or bad. So I guess I could say it is mediocre/ average/ nothing special/ boring. Well, cross out the boring, because I HAVE been having a nice time going to the park/ going for coffee/ shopping with friends. But never mind. I never thought I would say this, but I actually want school to start again.

Anyway, I will shut up now, because I am starting to annoy myself. Thanks to anyone who has bothered to read all of this.

 

Shoelace, cotton thread, sour milk, ladybird

They’ll just throw you away like an unwanted toy. Such is the nature of people these days. One minute you are their best friend, the next they want nothing more to do with you. Is there no way we can compromise and find an ideal balance? Something somewhere between the two, maybe. What happened to acquaintances, or even just friends? Did those two terms, perhaps, become lost somewhere in time and space at the beginning of the current millennium? And why must we change our minds so often on where people stand with us? I am tired of being treated like a piece of paper, as I am sure many other people are. Is it, perhaps, up to people like me to take action and fight against the norm? Maybe to have our acquaintances and our friends and say ‘look world, I am fighting for what I believe is right!’ Is it up to us to toss aside our current ways, and maybe, for once, stop being so fickle? Maybe it is. but then again, I doubt it would make much difference.

 

I am so nice

THIS ISN’T NOEL COWARD! says:
Would you like this:

THIS ISN’T NOEL COWARD! says:
!

Robyn says:
THAT IS TOTALLY MY JOB, MATTHEW.

Robyn says:
YOU TOTALLY JUST STOLE MY JOB.

 

Seven times seven times seven times zero

Sometimes I wish that I could get rid of most people. Y’know, so that they didn’t exist anymore. I would quite like to erase a lot of my memories also. All of the memories I have regarding those certain people. In memories with the people that I keep, those that I have erased would be portrayed only by shadows. A hint of a memory, but without me actually knowing who it was, or even if there was anyone there at all. Sometimes I wish that I could isolate myself from the whole of the rest of the world, with no memories left whatsoever, so that I could start again, mould a new life for myself away from others so as to protect myself from the truth of the world. As they say, ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I wish that I could make everything go my way, so that the memories that I currently would like to erase (the existance of certain individuals, of which there are many) would no longer have any sort of bad effect on me. Because everything would be perfect, I would not be bothered by the imperfection of my past, thus causing me to be eternally happy. Sometimes I like the way things are, but then something comes along to ruin my good mood. A word. A memory. A sound. A thought. And then they start to build up inside my mind. I remember every single little thing that has ever bothered me about the person or situation or word in question. And this makes me rather unhappy and far from satisfied. This is when I would rather not have friends. This is when I get angry. This is when I write things like this. This is when I want people to pay attention. This is when I want people to think about what they are doing. This is when I want people to stop.

 

Cherry coke & White hair

Title by Ally.

So, today has been a rather glorious day. This morning, my phone rang. “OH MY GOSH I’M LOVED” were my thoughts at that precise moment. I answered the phone, rudely interrupting Placebo- Every You Every Me (sorry Brian, not that you’ll ever read this!) and it was Ally, asking me if I was busy today. I said no, as that was the truthful answer and I am not a liar. Usually. So, Ally asked me if I wanted to go round to hers to help her bleach her hair. I said yes, yes I would like to very much, so I agreed to meet her in fifteen minutes. SHIT! There I was, full cup of tea, still piping hot, in need of a good wash and teeth clean, un-makeup-ed. How I managed to only be a couple of minutes late is a total mystery, but never mind.

We bought the powder bleach, cream peroxide, toner and intensive conditioner, as well as a cherry Coke for Ally and cranberry juice for me. I am THAT cool. After we had finished in Sutton, we came to Ally’s, where the whole operation began. Mix powder bleach with cream peroxide. Apply to hair. Leave for 20 minutes. Rinse hair. Dry hair. Mix components of toner. Apply to hair. Leave for 30 minutes. Rinse. Shampoo. Apply intensive conditioner. Leave for fifteen minutes. Apply face mask. Leave on for fifteen minutes. Remove face mask. Rinse hair. Dry hair. Oh, and I had a shower while Ally was applying her face mask. It was exciting.

Anyway, I suppose you are all wondering how Ally’s hair turned out. It turned out well. I think it must be the first time that one of us has got the other’s hair perfect. So now Ally’s hair is as white as a granny’s in parts and verging on it in others, so she is satisfied. That’s a job well done then. I’m available most weekends if you need me.