I close my eyes and it’s autumn again. I drag my feet through the dead leaves. The rustling sound is comforting. They stretch on for miles, and as I turn I see a blur of browns, oranges and deep reds, all over, surrounding me. Other than that, there are only trees in the process of shedding their summer coat, half naked, towering over me. The rain begins to fall. There is no warning. It comes down hard and heavy, each drop that falls onto my head causing me to lose my balance slightly. Yet it doesn’t bother me. On the contrary, it feels like home. Part of me longs for a storm. Thunder. Lightning. Something big. ANYTHING big. Something significant. Because right now, it feels as though nature has to live my life for me in order for me to have any life at all.
May 2008
May 28, 2008
May 21, 2008
Recently there have been some recurring themes. These have included the following:
- Being in an unfamiliar environment
- School-related things and people
- Good friends randomly being indifferent about me
- Being told to leave/ getting kicked out of places
- Feeling like I am going to die
I have come to the conclusion, that as similar things seem to keep reappearing, there must be some sort of meaning behind it. Looking at it all on face value, it would appear as though possibly some sort of change may be about to occur, although that may simply refer to the nearing of the end of exams, and AS in general. Of course, I will be looking these things up in my dream books, and seeing if they can tell me anything different, although one of them has a bit of a Freudian outlook and tends to say that everything is either to do with 1. sex or 2. a fear of castration. As far as I am aware, I do not have any sort of fear of castration, or obsession with sex, for that matter.
May 20, 2008
By the time she caught her breath again, all of the pain had subsided, every last angry thought had melted away, and she was left to sit in blissful silence for a short while, until the effect wore off and it all seemed like a waste. However, for that brief moment where her troubles seemed to have disappeared, she felt alive again for the first time since longer ago than she could remember. She did not realise at the time, but this was a feeling that she would revisit again and again, each time the effect weakening slightly, but each time she would tell herself that it was worth it, just for the few seconds in which she could feel as though things would be okay.
May 7, 2008
Ugh, I feel so hideous and fat today. And generally rubbish, actually.
Stupid people/ life/ everything!
