April 2008


I was having a browse on the internet earlier, and discovered this picture:

It is a picture of Miley Cyrus, taken for Vanity Fair. After reading several other blogs, it would appear as though most people think that it is in some way unsuitable, due to her being fifteen years of age. However, I don’t really understand what is so wrong. Okay, so she’s not completely covered up, but she’s not nude, and you can’t see anything. I think it’s about time that people realised that just because skin is showing, it does not make it porn.

I often wonder what the point of it is. You know, the whole life thing. I can’t really see myself achieving anything particularly significant, or ending up anything like the person I would like to be, ideally. I’m tired of feeling worthless all the time. I’m tired of being made to feel that way by others, and I am especially tired of making myself feel that way. Sometimes I feel like there is nothing I can do to make things better. I hate feeling that way, but it’s just something that happens. I mean, nobody wants to be miserable, right? I just wish that I knew exactly what was wrong, so that I could make things better. I want the future to be a happy one, not one in which I constantly feel like I am not good enough. I think that sometimes people don’t realise how they are making you feel, but it would be so much better if people just thought a bit more before they say or do anything. I know that I should. I think I probably often make people feel rubbish because I am so self-centred. maybe that is half of the problem. I know that it can come across as though I love myself and think I am better than everyone else, but the truth is, I can’t stand myself. I find it near impossible to think of one single decent thing about myself. I just wish I knew why. I know I keep posting stuff like this, but until I feel better, it’s probably the best release I have, which is a shame really.

Happy belated first birthday to this blog, and congratulations to me for managing to keep it going for all this time. It’s a rather impresive record for me.

The rain is falling quite heavily, hitting the pavement, splashing, constantly. And I want to go out and buy books.

Fresh-faced, bright-eyed, shiny hair, painted nails, clean clothes, red lips, tumbles down, torn clothes, messy hair, tear-stained cheeks, pale-faced, loss of breath, hope gone, pulse gone, feeling gone, life gone.

If people had blank faces then I could draw on their expressions and everyone could look happy all the time. I think that maybe that would make me happy too. But I guess they may not actually be happy. Life sure would be a lot easier if everyone always felt good, but then again I suppose we need sadness in order to appreciate happiness, and also for happiness to actually exist. Still, I’d rather not feel bad, and I’m sure most other people feel the same way.

Today I realised that there is a possibility that weight loss may have very slight disadvantages. I am wearing a t-shirt that used to fit really nicely and now it is a bit loose. However I am not complaining, and anyway I will probably gain the weight all back again like before. I lost five pounds, then gained four and then lost three. Maybe I will gain two pounds sometime in the near future. It would certainly follow the pattern. It’s strange though because I don’t particularly look or feel thinner. Maybe I should measure my waist again. I love food so much. Maybe that’s why I keep gaining. It sure would make a great deal of sense.